What is a Desi, you ask?
It is a word derived from the Sanskrit "des" or "desh" meaning "country". The term means "one from our country". It usually refers to people from, or with a heritage from, India, Pakistan or Bangladesh.
So I ask myself: I was born Desi, but who am I really?
I desire the peace and anonymity that only comes with living in solitude. I have grown weary of being judged for what I not am, or scolded for what I am perceived to be. I only feel true acceptance and understanding from three or four people in my life (and for that I am blessed). In a way, I am complaining. But I am mostly just so very...tired.
Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't
it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your
heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build
up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so
nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any
other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a
piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like
kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.
Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you
crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'Maybe we should just be
friends' or 'How very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working
its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just
in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.
Every time I am having a totally insane period of time, as I have been lately, and I get annoyed with how exhausted I am...I simply remind myself...
I am blessed, I am blessed...I am blessed to have such opportunity, to be able to attend school as endlessly as I do, to be able to be exhausted by as something as privileged as my education, to have the incredible support network that I do, and most importantly: to be alive.
No, I haven't forgotten that I stared death's seedy face right in the eye...It's been about 7 months since my accident, and I am still working towards the many things I realized I must do when I emerged from the fog of my accident.